


Catharsis

by renjunsmilk



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, M/M, art student MJ, idk what to tag sorry, photography major jinjin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23806312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunsmilk/pseuds/renjunsmilk
Summary: Myungjun just wants to paint the sun, but one boy keeps getting on his way.
Relationships: Kim Myungjun | MJ/Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> hi here's art major mj and photography major jinjin
> 
> hewwo this ended so badly but i wanted to finish it as soon as possible, as it's breaking my head alr :c but i still hope yall like this! i'm still trying to get the hang of writing honestly. coz i'm always having new ideas to write but i never rly knew how to write them . so idk i have been trying!! ilu

An old and forgotten laboratory room stands unnoticed at the far end of the university. The leaves and branches of the tall, intimidating trees cover its unyoung walls and dusty windows, but it has called for one boy's attention. Even the soft rustling of the fallen dry leaves against his shoes had become music to Myungjun's ears. He likes it there. He's simple and prefers to be alone. And within the dark walls of the old quarter is where he spends most of his extra time.

He carries the small easel and mixing palette in his short arms with ease, knowing he's found a new home. And as the wind blows against his soft ears, he whistles and the air blows a little bit harsher. It slaps Myungjun's cheeks but he pays no attention to it for his focus lies on the art materials engulfed between his arms and chest.

Myungjun enters the almost empty room and sets the stand near the window. He cleans the table with an old wet cloth and lays a variety of overused brushes on it. He extends his arms and takes a deep, deep breath, mentally and physically preparing his own mind and body for another three-hour painting session.

One of the few things that gives Myungjun the feeling of home is the pointed round paintbrush he had been using for almost two years, which took part in most of his important paintings. He named it Calcifer. It was from an anime called Howl's Moving Castle.

Calcifer, in the movie, is a fire and Howl's heart. To Myungjun, this one paint brush has been lighting flames in his heart as if constantly igniting a new art in him. Plus, Myungjun loves the details that Calficer creates perfectly for him. He thinks details make the image more exciting and intense. Without them, the painting breaks like a sand castle being washed out by the smallest waves in the shoreline.

He dips the tip of the brush in the palette, pulls it back up, and slowly touches the canvas. The strokes he makes reveal a mixture of yellow and orange.

The sun, he likes it just as much as he hates it.

"Fuck." The stroke went out of hand and he dropped the brush upon hearing a loud bang against the door. Myungjun's heart raced out of shock, but he was rather more raged at whoever or whatever was outside. "Who the fuck is out there?!"

A boy's head peeks up in the window but because all the windows were full of dust and dirt, Myungjun doesn't see his face. "I'm sorry for scaring you! I had to run after the ball but I lost control and ended up running against your door instead!"

The image of the boy from outside starts to move and become smaller as it hurries away. But just as how Myungjun easily loses his appetite, he suddenly doesn't want to paint anything today.

Right, Myungjun hates the sun anyway. He doesn't have to paint it.

Myungjun makes his way to the dorms where Eunwoo and Sanha wait for him. He shakes his anger away as he enters the room and sits with the two in their little kitchen space.

Sanha is a freshman, Eunwoo is a junior. And Myungjun himself is on his last year of college. He's been struggling lately with all the requirements on his plate. But with the two younger friends who stay with him in his flat, he gets through everyday with a smile on his face.

"Did you get to start with your piece?" Eunwoo starts, he notices Myungjun's mood but denies it in his head. Eunwoo had always been a caring friend. Ever since he came to the dorms three years ago, Myungjun knew he was going to be some sort of a stress reliever.

"Nah," Myungjun responds smiling but his words are the opposite, "I'm gonna fail this semester."

Eunwoo looks at Sanha to check his reaction, only to see a smirk on the latter's face. Sanha knocks his fists on the table, "Myungjun hyung admitting he's a failure?! Hyung what have you eaten today?!"

Myungjun chokes on his noodles and Eunwoo sighs. Unlike Eunwoo, Sanha is never the calmer friend. He's just the annoying friend that anyone can have but manages to be just as sweet as a chocolate bar at the end of the day.

"Good bye, Sanha." Myungjun pulls the chopsticks out of his mouth and readies to throw them at the youngest. But before he can even do his motive, Sanha speeds up and disappears into his room.

* * *

The rain hasn't stopped since yesterday. It's one of those days which Myungjun loved the most where the sky cries in his place. He sets a smile on his face and walks to his university with a huge umbrella as he strides to avoid the puddles created by the rain.

As soon as he arrives at the university, he takes a look at his schedule, which he still hasn't memorized just yet.

Economics. He loves Economics but still wonders why he has to take the said course when he is an art major. He thinks it doesn't make any sense.

While his thoughts argue, Myungjun's professor who was always late, arrives earlier than usual.

Myungjun has this strange habit that if something doesn't seem usual at the beginning of the day, he would assume that it is bound to end really, really badly.

He takes his notebook out and starts to sketch the image of his final project. Listening to the high pitched voice of Professor Noh is not his current mood.

The sun.

He gives it another chance. He wants to paint the strong and bright colors of the sun, and release anger through it.

Myungjun was deep into the feeling that he almost fell from his chair when a crumpled paper hit the back of his head. The shock made him shift aggressively on his seat, and he was so sure his professor caught him.

"Mr. Kim, what were you dreaming of?" He did catch him. The class starts laughing at Myungjun. He loves making people laugh but never liked being the subject of the comedy. Myungjun carefully sits straight and smiles at the mocking professor.

"I wasn't sleeping, sir."

"Really? It didn't seem like that, though." The hall was again filled with the students' laughter, some of them even sounded like they were gasping for air.

Myungjun hated that. He was so ready to end one person at the very moment, except he doesn't know who threw a paper at him.

At that, Myungjun tore the page of the sun he was drawing and starting to feel good about.

_What a shame, I was already loving it._

* * *

Under the tall tree is where Myungjun sits like a pretzel. The canvas lays on his lap together with the paintbrushes. He's got only an hour vacant before his Art Appreciation course starts, so he didn't bother going to the old laboratory.

Myungjun got a good view of the sun in front of him, but it's way too bright for his liking. Still, he tries. Despite his hatred for the still image up in the sky, he's convinced himself to paint the sun. It's like trying to catch your enemy, not allowing it to defeat you.

He studies the texture of his canvas, only imagining the amount of acrylic to be poured on the mixing palette. Myungjun doesn't want to mess this up this time.

The wind is of no help, of course, it blows his hair towards his eyes and the brushes roll over the grass. It pisses him, eventually, like something is stopping him from painting his enemy. But he's had enough.

Many students are currently on the field with him, but all are minding their own businesses. Playing soccer, chitchatting, eating lunch. They're all sights to see. Myungjun can paint them all if he chooses to. But he can't be defeated by his hatred towards the sun.

_I have to get this through._

A yellow acrylic bottle sits demanding to be used. Myungjun has developed a love for darker colors, he thinks they represent him better. Although, Eunwoo and Sanha beg to disagree. The latter two believe he's more on the brigther colors, like yellow. Seriously, what do they know about colors? Myungjun had rolled his eyes back then, yellow? The sun? Impossible.

The young artist takes a deep breath, clearing his mind. Hands frozen from the strong wind, heart heavy, Myungjun gets to start painting the _sun._ A number of details run through his mind; yellow, orange, the strokes, the sun itself.

He's starting to feel it, again.

However, yellow seemed too light so Myungjun decided to coat it with orange, just as he had planned. But as he was pouring the orange acrylic to add on the palette, a loud whistle from the boys playing soccer shook him so hard he spilled the paint on his canvas. "Literally. What the fuck."

* * *

It's Saturday, and he's back at the old laboratory with the same materials. Myungjun had decided to give the sun another chance to live in his canvas.

When he was younger, Myungjun loved playing under the sun back in his old town. He didn't have many friends, but to have one true friend who loved the sun just as much as he did was more than enough for him. The two of them would meet at the playground every afternoon, and for hours they'd forget about the rest of the world until the blue skies had become black and the sun had been replaced by the moon. It's been like that for Myungjun for almost three years. Until, one day, he left.

One of the windows is way too high up in the wall to which Myungjun suddenly sets his eyes upon. A tint of yellow-orange is forcing its way in. He can tell it's nine o'clock in the morning, and for every second he spends at staring, the color becomes more adamant in getting in. He thinks of opening the window to let the sunlight in and run across the laboratory for the first time since he found the place. But he thinks of the times he hated the sun as well, so he decides against it.

He rethinks it. Again. If he wants to paint the sun, he needs to at least get a good glimpse of it.

Myungjun opens the window but the daylight was too strong it stings his eyes. He closes his eyes for a good five seconds and opens them right away. The sun was black. Myungjun momentarily squints to get a perfect picture of the sun and find out why it was black. But when he opens his eyes again, a silhouette of a boy covering the sun greets him. "Hi."

* * *

"Come on! Just one session!" The boy has now a name and turns out to be in Myungjun's Economics class. He's been begging Myungjun to be his model for his final project for one whole hour. "You'd look amazing!"

"No." Myungjun retorts to Jinwoo's face. Park Jinwoo is from the digital art department. He is a senior too and majors in photography. He's popular for annoying people to be his model, and he always gets them. Myungjun smirks inwardly, _not me._

"Please! I have been running around to catch such a masterpiece!" Myungjun thinks Jinwoo is bluffing.

Jinwoo was so desperate that he steals some art materials from Myungjun's arm. The latter shoots daggers with his glares, and if looks could kill, Jinwoo would've been dead. "Give them back. Now." 

"One session!" Jinwoo uselessly hides the brushes behind his back. Myungjun, however, still rejects him. "Help a graduating student, you should know this kind of need!"

He walks past him and says, "Keep them. I can buy another set of brushes."

"I didn't bang against your door for nothing, you know!"

Myungjun stops in his tracks. He thought that was unintentional. "What the fuck do you want?"

* * *

The clouds cover the sun, just the way Myungjun likes. If he could, he would just remove the sun from the sky permanently. He's grown bitter and hateful. And regretful. If only he didn't fall in love with the boy he used to play with, he wouldn't have this much hatred towards the sun.

It's been a week since Myungjun agreed to meet with Jinwoo in a cafè far from the dorms. He doesn't want Jinwoo finding out where he lives and following him around. The cafè is quite famous as far as Myungjun can remember, but it's oddly empty on a Saturday afternoon.

He brought his sketch pad with him, just in case things go wrong and Jinwoo gives him anxiety.

They agreed to meet at 2 p.m. but it's been 30 minutes since, and Jinwoo hasn't showed up yet. Myungjun doesn't mind. This is why he brought a sketch pad. He tries drawing the sun again.

Myungjun despises the sun a lot, but it's always there and inevitable. And probably important. He can't deny the fact that he loves it the way he loved the boy who stood under it, in the middle of the playground, and smiled at him. He was in grade school when he met the boy. They spent summers together. Myungjun was so sure the boy knew him the most out of all people. He was young, yes, but that didn't stop him from getting the same strange feeling people get when falling fool in love.

"Hey," Jinwoo flashes the smile he had shown Myungjun right from the very beginning, "I'm sorry for making you wait. I had to charge my camera."

Myungjun did wait, for a very long time. He smiles at boy who just arrived, "That's okay." He calms himself down and slowly tears a piece of paper from his sketch pad. But Jinwoo stops him.

"Why do you always tear that?" He doesn't look at Myungjun. His eyes were just glued to the unfinished drawing of the sun. The sun on the paper screams freedom. It's the biggest image drawn on the material, and around it were clouds trying to cover its shine. But the sun was too large it made the clouds look little and afraid of the sun's power. Under it is a playground, an empty park that looked sad and forgotten. But it doesn't reach the sun that hung in the sky; the sun had become tall and untouchable. The size of the sun manipulates the power of the clouds and playground, that the little details appear to be weaker than the subject. Jinwoo smiles upon deciphering the message.

But Myungjun frowns at him. "Ah, it's ugly."

Jinwoo takes the paper away, "Can I keep it?"

It confuses Myungjun for a second but he lets Jinwoo have it anyway. "I don't see what you need that for but whatever floats your boat."

"You'll thank me later." Jinwoo winks at him.

The pictorial took about two hours of the two boys' time. Myungjun was impatient, while Jinwoo was all smiley. And patient. He had to be patient about Myungjun's constant nagging, or the two hours would have prolonged.

Before parting ways, Myungjun doesn't let go of the chance to ask Jinwoo, "Why did you choose me?"

"Why did you agree?" Jinwoo asks him in return which makes Myungjun fall silent. Truth be told, Jinwoo didn't completely force him to be the model. He said yes to him in a heartbeat without even confirming why Jinwoo wanted him.

"I have a reason for that." Myungjun says quietly.

Jinwoo doesn't argue. Instead, he pats the older's shoulder and nods at him out of respect. "Thanks, Myungjun. I've seen you paint and that's the most beautiful form of you. It's when you're doing what you love. I knew I had to capture that."

Jinwoo had offered to take Myungjun home, but just as what the latter wants, he doesn't intend to have Jinwoo follow him around even all the way home so he politely refused.

And when the aspiring photographer was out of sight, Myungjun takes his phone out and dials a number he knows by heart. "I think he's back."

* * *

The acrylic on the mixing palette dried against the cold air in Myungjun's room. He didn't finish the honey juice Eunwoo had prepared for him last night. At 7 a.m., Myungjun's phone blares and wakes him up. He never intended to sleep through his projects, but he was so restless the night before that he ended up falling into slumber. Thinking it was the alarm, Myunjun ignores the phone. But it doesn't stop for a long time until he figures it's a call. He moves too fast upon realizing he's about to reject a person's call but his neck snapped as he was doing so. "Hello?"

"Hey," it's a very familiar voice. "Did I wake you up?"

"Not really. I was already waking up." He lies, heart racing. He has a reason for it, though.

The voice from the other line speaks again, this time sounding much louder, "Can we meet?"

_"Can you pick that up for me?" The nine year old Myungjun excitedly points at the lone flower in the middle of the grass field. The flower was alone, but it didn't look sad at all. Despite it being oddly there and beautifully growing in a place where it shouldn't be, Myungjun admires the way it stands out among all that stood in that very ground._

_"MJ, picking it up would mean killing it too." The other boy had his shirt tucked in his short shorts, presenting a typical appearance of a grade school who's regrettably vulnerable to the bullies (but Myungjun promised to protect him always). The boy walks around the field and thoroughly examines the peculiar flower._

_Myungjun looks at whatever he does, "But it's pretty." He says with a pout._

_Another boy butts in with a handful of soil in his hands. He brings the soil around the flower and pours it around, patting it flat afterwards. He turns to Myungjun, "Yeah. But can you let it be pretty for a long time? If you pick it up now, it'll only be pretty until tomorrow probably."_

_His head turns to the other boy who was so close to picking the flower up, "Don't listen to him, Bin."_

_It's innocent, and sweet. And they were young at that. But age shouldn't determine the way a person understands something. And Myungjun, for sure, feels something in his stomach, and in his heart._

A boy who has his hoodie tightly wrapped around his body approaches Myungjun, "It's been a long time, hyung."

"Bin," Myungjun says as he smiles at his brother and momentarily nods at his boyfriend tailed behind him, "It's been a while, Minhyuk."

Bin, his brother, is the only person who knows how much Myungjun cares for that one summer boy. They all played together and when the boy didn't show up anymore, Bin saw through his older brother. He saw pain in his eyes, heard it in his voice, and felt it in every insincere hug.

"You knew it's him. Since the first day of college, you knew." Bin starts. This conversation is long overdue.

Myungjun gets a glimpse of the moon, it's 11 p.m. He just knows he likes the sun more, "When I first saw him in the university, he had his eyes on me. But they looked nothing like the way he looked me in the eyes when we were younger. So I thought maybe he doesn't remember me at all."

"I missed him," Bin says with a flicker of fondness in his eyes. But Myungjun knows what Bin feels the most is genuine happiness for him, because Bin knows how patient he was. "Go get him, hyung."

* * *

Myungjun's History professor dismissed the class thirty minutes earlier than scheduled, but Myungjun decided to stay in the class hall knowing it won't take that long before his next class.

The room gradually empties as the students go out, probably to get to their next classes or go grab some food in the cafeteria. Eventually, he gets the room to his own.

He takes out some pencils and lays them all on his armchair, taking out his sketchbook next. Myungjun thinks of a new idea for his final project.

Myungjun struggled with the idea of the sun, the one subject he was so adamant in painting in the past few months. But he can't keep pushing it, especially if it doesn't want to be painted. He is graduating soon and can't afford to waste any more time.

The city. Or better, the night lights of his city. There's something about the city lights that—Myungjun convinces himself—is more comforting than the yellow sun so he tries to make a sketch out of it. It's a conceptualization that Myungjun believes. That even at a time the city is supposed to be sleeping, it's not. To Myungjun, once the sun is out, it's dark outside. But then again, it's not, because the city lights replace the sun at night. And life? It must go on.

Park Jinwoo enters the room, much to Myungjun's surprise. _Ah, right. Economics._

"Why do you always stop me from painting?" Myungjun asks without thinking. Jinwoo, on the other hand, only laughs at him.

"Were you supposed to just think that and not say it to my face?" Jinwoo grabs the empty seat next to his one time model, and leans his back upon relaxing on the chair. "Did you change your subject?"

Myungjun flips past the page where the initial sketch of his city painting lies. "You tell me."

"What do you mean?" Jinwoo asks, sounding as perisistent as when he was convincing Myungjun to be his model.

"I can't seem to paint the sun." Myungjun has become vulnerable. He finally wants to talk about it. Now has to be the perfect time.

He spends the time thinking of what he's going to tell Jinwoo next when he asks again. He spends the time too looking at Jinwoo. He looks the same.

"Paint the sun." Jinwoo says, and when he clicks the mechanical pen he was holding, Myungjun almost loses his mind. Jinwoo opens his mouth to speak again and Myungjun allows him, "I heard you say it once. If you want anger to leave your heart, paint it."

The minutes run so slowly.

"I was firm of letting the feeling go. But I realized that's not what I truly want because that feeling comes with a great amount of admiration, and I cannot lose that," he pauses, Jinwoo keeps clicking the pen and it eventually becomes one as Myungjun's heartbeat, "I want the feeling to stay, but maybe minus the hatred."

Myungjun flips through the pages of his sketchpad until one page reveals a drawing similar to the one which Jinwoo said he would keep for him. Jinwoo is now in front of Myungjun, attentively listening to every word that leaves Myungjun's lips. He smiles, eyes turning into perfect crescents. He looks at Myungjun again like he did before, when they were 9 year olds, in that old park.

"Do you still have that sketch? The sun, I liked that better than this one." Myungjun asks him. Jinwoo's smile widens

"I knew this would come in handy." The latter takes the neatly folded paper from one of his notebooks, "Are you painting this now? What about that city?"

"I told you. I realized something." _You've been here all this time._

"Tell me more."

"I'm painting it not because I want to let it go, I am because I'm ready to face that feeling now." _Now that you are back, and here with me. You're not going to leave me again, are you?_

"I don't want you to let that feeling go, MJ."

The nickname pierces through Myungjun's heart, "Jinjin."

_The sun, MJ admires it as he should. He sits comfortably on the grass field, a painbrush tucked in his ear. Jinjin hands him a cup of grape juice. They have been bringing up older situations they experienced together, and eventually forgetting, and bringing up another. It's Jinjin's turn, "You didn't even read that letter."_

_Myungjun's face suggests confusion, "What letter?"_

_"That paper I gave you during one of Mr. Noh's classes."_

_"That was you?!"_

_Jinjin raises both of his hands, "I didn't intend to throw it! But it was the only way!"_

_Jinjin looks at Myungjun's finished painting. It's that image; the playground, the clouds, and the sun. He just knows he would fall for MJ more and more each day, "I regret it." He says._

_"Regret what?" Myungjun was barely paying attention as he was preparing to move the canvas into the car. His project is due today, and anyone can tell the latter is tensed._

_Jinjin helps him, "Relax." He secures the canvas in the backseat of his car and goes to put his two hands on both of Myungjun's shoulders._

_He starts again now that MJ seems more attentive than ever, "I regret not telling you I'm back and it's me."_

_"So why didn't you?"_

_"I was afraid you'd never want to remember me ever again." The fear, MJ felt that through Jinjin's words._

_But MJ wants to shrug the nerve-racking atmosphere off, so he does what Jinjin did before and put his hands on the younger's shoulders, "Took us 5 years to get our shit together, huh."_

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiii i hope u liked it :((( i'm not sure if I wrote this one well but meh <3 ily <3


End file.
